My sweet children

I was worried they would turn into little monsters after Grandpa went home the other day. I have underestimated them. They were all a little crabby yesterday but they weren't monsters either. They are really so sweet and kind and loving. Today they were all awake before me. Kamaryn and Kyler were all dressed too. They have been pretty cheerful and playing together well today. So I am grateful for their sweetness today.

A Great Father-in-Law

Trev's dad has been here with us since last Tuesday. He is leaving tomorrow night and it's going to be hard for me. He's been so helpful with the kids. They have really enjoyed playing with him and going on walks and everything too. He's always so interesting in what they are doing and he loves to play with them. It's been nice to have another adult to watch the kids if I need to get something done. I'm really going to miss him. I'm grateful for him. He's always so easy to talk to and be around. So easy going and so accepting and appreciative. It's nice. I wish our family was closer so we could spend more time around all of them. But this week has been really great and special. And I feel more relaxed than I have in a while. Love ya Dad :) Thanks.

Forgiving Children

Today was not a good day. I've been feeling down in the dumps for a while now and today was the worst day. Trev and his Dad went out for the day and I just felt like I yelled at children for the entirety of the day. I felt so awful and guilty, like the most awful mother on earth. (Insert giant depressed frown/scowl here). But I am so grateful for my children. I was terrible to them all day and at one point Kamaryn just started hugging and kissing me. She wouldn't stop.. hee hee. It made me smile and relax a bit. She's usually not all that lovey with anyone so it was kinda unusual. But I couldn't help but feel that she was in tune with the spirit even after I had obviously lost it. I am grateful that they always know I love them even when I feel like I've been stretched to my absolute limits. I just hope I can feel better soon and not get so frustrated so easily. And I hope I can be as forgiving and show as much unconditional love to them as they do every day to me.

A thoughtful friend

I have been less than grateful for the past little while. I have been having a hard time focusing on those blessings that I do have and instead dwelling on negative things and it has been affecting my spirit. Today I went to read WOD like always and there was a post just for me from sweet Bela. It really touched my heart and so I will copy what she wrote here so I think to read it often...

Anyway, April, I remember one post of yours a loooooonnnng time ago that I never had a chance to reply. You may be feeling better now, but I want to share with you the lyrics of a song that always makes me think of you. It can go to every one of us too of course.

~

In her heart she holds the dreams

That she's carried since the day she turned 13

Of all that she would do when she was grown

Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own

She dreamed she'd fly

And she's still waiting for the chance to try

But in the meantime she's a mother and a daughter and a wife

Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind

And she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life

She doesn't know she's molded and refined

In the meantime

Someday she'll go back to school

When the carpools and the soccer games are through

Cause deep inside she's still the girl

Who's always felt the fire to make a difference in the world

She dreams she'll soar

When she finally has the time to do more

But in the meantime she's a sister and a teacher and a friend

Hours turn into days that turn to years that never end

And she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again

But she's becoming one on whom God can depend

In the meantime

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life

And heaven hears her heart before she cries

Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials

She's becoming sanctified

But in the meantime she's an answer and a blessing and a gift

To every empty, aching heart that only she can lift

Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is

If she could only see her mansion waiting there

If she could only feel how much her Father cares

She would know that she's being perfectly prepared

In the meantime

Thanks Bela. :)

A faith that keeps me going

Even when things continue to be hard. Sometimes faith is the only thing that helps me keep perspective and keep going even though things keep changing our "plans" in this life. It is the knowledge that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows our strengths especially in times of trial that helps the most. It is the knowledge that we have a Savior who knows exactly how we feel when we are burdened with things in life and that He knows how to help us get through our trials and help us lift our burdens. I know that I'm not alone. And I am grateful.

People willing to serve

I've been trying really hard to pray before we go to church for help and guidance to get through the day without being frustrated and feeling lonely. It's been really hard for me to have a better attitude about this calling. I know that it's important to serve and that I need to have a better attitude about it. I just feel that at this time in my life I need to be able to attend Relief Society and get to know some ladies there and feel like I have people to talk to. Well, yesterday Sis. Rogers came in to help her little boy with a talk. She always asks me how I'm doing and that alone makes me smile and feel a bit better. I was honest with her and explained my struggles. She said that we should try to have a little get-together. She also said she was sure I'd be blessed for my service. (Lots of people say that.) Later the primary president came in and came over to talk to me. She said that Sister Rogers volunteered to teach my class once a month so that I could go to relief society. I was so surprised and overwhelmed. I talked to her after the meeting and thanked her. I hope she knows how grateful I truly am for her willingness to be of service to me and her kindness. And I hope that being able to attend RS once a month will allow me to make some friends and be able to uplift my spirit.

Some thoughts from the past few weeks

We left so quick to go to my mom's house and then it seemed like we were gone forever. Then when we got home it seemed like we were never really there and it was all a dream. My emotions have been playing some mean games since before my grandma passed. For a few weeks before I have been fighting with myself about whether or not to talk to a doctor about depression. I haven't felt like myself for a while and I'm rarely motivated to do anything more than crawl out of bed some days. I think of my Grandma's passing as a great blessing, not only for her, but for me because I had been so lonely and down for the past while. It made me so happy to see my family and loved ones.

I was great at home with family and the minute we walked in the door last thursday (have we been back a whole week already... geez) I felt like a palpable weight was placed onto my shoulders. I started bawling and had a really rough time for the rest of the day. The weekend was better because I was so busy. Then monday I woke up with a stomach bug and spent about 5 hours in bed that day. Not fun. My appetite has yet to fully return but I guess that's not a really bad thing, right? ;)

So on monday while I was sick I decided to call Kohls and find out what the deal was with them never calling me about my drug test results. If you'll remember I went to the group interview on March 21, a friday. Was called the following monday, march 24 and told that they needed me to go take a drug test within 24 hours. So I packed up the kids tuesday morning, the 25th, and drove in to take the drug test. They said they would call me and let me know when they got the results. So I never heard and I never heard. I called them the next monday to ask how long it usually takes and I was told 4 days at the most. So I expected a call by the next day but it never came. I decided to just be patient. Well, I still never heard from them. So fast forward to monday. I called them and finally got my results... negative (as if it would be any different... hee hee). So the guy tells me that I need to talk to this other person but she was at lunch so I needed to call back later. So being sick, I went to sleep for a couple hours. When I woke up I called back. Well.... today I go for orientation at 3:30. I have a lot of feelings. I am excited if you can believe it. I'm also a bit sad that I have to get a job but I'm grateful that it will be in the evenings when Trev can be home with the kids. I'm excited because I will get out of the house and hopefully make some friends. I know that some ladies from my ward work there in the evenings so hopefully I will get to know some of them better. I need that. It will also force me to be more outgoing and that's something I need as well.

I am also grateful to see Heavenly Father's hand in our lives. I firmly believe that I didn't hear from them about my drug test before because He knew that we would need to rush out of town because it was Grandma's time to return to Him. I also know that it's through faith and prayer that I was able to be hired so soon and with only really applying at one place. And that it's so close to home. There are so many blessings. We have also been blessed a bit in the financial sense. Trev's first paycheck of the month was over $2000 and I went shopping and paid bills as usual and we had extra left. And it's wonderful because since we had to leave and Trev didn't work for 4 days (he took 3 of them as sick days so only one was totally unpaid) this paycheck we got today was about $400-500 less than it usually is (he usually works 10 hour days or so and that gives us a lot of overtime pay). But because we were at my mom's for a week, I only have to buy one week's worth of groceries today instead of two and we will have an entire extra check next month because he gets paid every two weeks. AND (as if there could be more) I am grateful for out tax refund. We were able to pay off 3 whole credit cards and because of that we were able to use one for our gas and hotel rooms on our trip where we wouldn't have had enough of our limit left to afford it at all if we hadn't been able to pay it off. And because of people that love us so much we have an extra $200 to put towards that new balance. Trev's mom slipped a $100 check into his pocket when we stopped in Salt Lake to visit with them on our way to my mom's house. And my sweet Grandpa, who is nothing but generous and loving, sent us $100 in the mail to help us pay for our gas to get home.

I'm so grateful for the blessings that come from seemingly nowhere in our lives sometimes. I didn't think this post was going to be so long but I'm glad it is. I'm bawling and I feel so full inside right now with gratitude.

I am also grateful for all of you, my friends. I know I vent and complain to some of you quite often and I'm grateful that you are willing to listen and help me work through things. You all mean so much to me and I love you so very much.